My latest True Blood recap is up, and I’m bitter at HBO for making me write it. Reader, I love the show! But the rapey murder perv-titillation scene at the end was just not cool.
Also, why does everything bad always happen to Tara? Not the rapey murderish scene, of course, but she spends half her time getting hypnotized by evil beings in various forms, and the other half getting her heart broken by serial murderer boyfriends or her alcoholic mother (they alternate). Give the poor girl a break!
1) My skirt is see-through
2) My underwear is inside-out
The good.
The yikes (especially this bit: “American officials have known about this vulnerability for years, but they didn’t think enemies would know how to take advantage of it… Now the United States is getting ready to spend as much as $4.5 billion to buy new-generation drones that have the same vulnerability.” We probably have TEENAGERS who can take advantage of it. Don’t you watch movies?!!)
The friggin finally.
This ad showed up at the top of my gmail this morning.
“Find Iran Girls at Great Prices.”
I hadn’t been writing or reading any emails about Iran or girls, but I was curious. I clicked to see if it was a weird auto-advertising error or sleaze for cheap bastards. While loading:
Seems like auto-advertising word fail. I waited.
I guess the results are kind of a mix of both. Auto-advertising picking up a random weird word combination, but then sponsored links that are intentionally advertising Iranian women (or any 18+ women, etc etc).
Summary: all-round fail. You end up with sales on Ralph Lauren Childrenswear next to sexy webcam link advertising. Everyone leaves feeling a bit dirty and depressed, no matter what they were originally looking for (except pedophiles, I guess, and I would imagine they feel dirty and depressed all the time, though I’m not up on my DSM-4).
So, I just got this newsletter and it had been bought out by Everlon Diamonds, running a campaign for some new diamond jewelry with the tagline “the strength of love forged in a knot”.
Does it look suspiciously noose-like to you?
It didn’t help that I already fielded an email about blood diamonds this morning, nor that I always have this brilliant Atlantic article in mind when I look at diamond ads now, but, regardless, I’m pretty sure this piece of jewelry is dreadful. It’s as if you unironically designed a wedding ring that looked like a ball and chain or something.
As soon as you sense that you are descending into that hormone-fueled fog, GRAB THIS LIST AND CAGE THE BEAST.
1. First, and this is very important for your future happiness, avoid anyone who does not love you unconditionally
2. Even if they DO love you unconditionally, avoid anyone who has previously hinted that they think you ought to be committed to some form of institution
3. If you are struck down at work, avoid interaction with your boss and coworkers. Try to dull your senses with loud Pandora music. Chew gum. Pretend you have something contagious.
4. If your time is your own, and it seems that playing competitive games would take your mind off your troubles, be careful to only play opponents far inferior to your skills. This should provide some protection against broken electronics and/or furniture.
5. Remember, if someone’s odor or appearance offends you, that does not give you the right to punch them. Wait till they say something that could reasonably be construed as a threat or insult.
6. Alcohol will probably just make things worse.
7. It is for these moments that the sensible woman keeps a chocolate stash. Be sure to maintain this stash in times of peace and harmony, but don’t fool yourself into thinking it is safe to buy unknown brands. Low-quality chocolate is a dangerous drug, and could just add to the hormone-induced rage. High quality and gooeyness are good factors to look for in creating your stash.
8. Go to the gym. You know you should anyway.
9. If you can’t make yourself go to the gym, consider sleeping the whole thing off. There is no shame in hibernation, but I would advise telling others that you have a headache (bringing up homicidal urges and demon possession will make people keep talking to you, which never ends well).
10. There is likewise no shame in crying, though it is best pursued as a solitary release. If you must cry, be sure to stick your face in cold water afterwards. Otherwise, you WILL look ridiculous and lumpy-faced tomorrow. It’s no good persuading yourself that you will look wan and heroic, because you won’t. You’ll have to explain to your coworkers that you watched a sad movie and cried, and admitting that it was Hot Rod will not advance your career one little bit.
11. Wow, it would be really great if you had a loving, furry pet right now, wouldn’t it? Try visualizing it. Or go to CuteOverload. Do it.
12. Come on now, how would your grandma feel if she saw you acting like this? Snap out of it!
13. Exorcism is probably not the answer, but who am I to judge?
I’m attaching two useful resources that I’ve created:
PMS Survival Flowchart
PMS Redemption Guide
I just sampled a new perfume, which I believe is called “Light” (by Parfums Lagerfeld). It is not light. I smell like someone else’s grandmother, and I can’t escape it, and it makes me want to dive out my window and wash it off in the Potomac.
