Fun springtime activities at the dentist

I may be the only person alive who actually finds going to the dentist to be a soothing and reaffirming process rather than an ordeal.

First off, I am in a comfy chair!  Secondly, it is work hours and I am still allowed to close my eyes.  Thirdly, someone is giving me a gum  massage.  Fourthly, it is a time for which I am conditioned to expect praise and lots of free gadgetry.

Even when I was a kid I liked going to the dentist. Or maybe especially, because one thing I do NOT get anymore is the free temporary tattoos, which I would STILL VERY MUCH APPRECIATE.  But going to a dentist was a beautiful time — I’d polish my teeth with cotton balls and toothpaste before I went in to make them sparkly clean.  I don’t know if my parents ever noticed this and wondered what had set me off this time, but I don’t think it was one of my weirder activities.  They were probably just grateful I was out of the night terrors phase. (Apparently I acted possessed! Like with howling and head twisting and stuff! No video unfortunately.)

So anyways, I return to my desk duties, refreshed after lunchtime tooth yoga. Wheeeeeeeeeee oh powerpoint blah.

It’s cheaper than therapy

I didn’t think this needed to be explained, but apparently it is not a nationally accepted practice:  Sometimes it is necessary to get drunk alone at home and watch the Disney Channel.  There is no shame in this.

Sheesh.

All the coffee in the world has turned to decaf

PMS Survival Kit (Innocent Bystander edition)

As soon as you sense that you are descending into that hormone-fueled fog, GRAB THIS LIST AND CAGE THE BEAST.

1.  First, and this is very important for your future happiness, avoid anyone who does not love you unconditionally

2.  Even if they DO love you unconditionally, avoid anyone who has previously hinted that they think you ought to be committed to some form of institution

3.  If you are struck down at work, avoid interaction with your boss and coworkers. Try to dull your senses with loud Pandora music. Chew gum. Pretend you have something contagious.

4.  If your time is your own, and it seems that playing competitive games would take your mind off your troubles, be careful to only play opponents far inferior to your skills.  This should provide some protection against broken electronics and/or furniture.

5.  Remember, if someone’s odor or appearance offends you, that does not give you the right to punch them. Wait till they say something that could reasonably be construed as a threat or insult.

6.  Alcohol will probably just make things worse.

7.  It is for these moments that the sensible woman keeps a chocolate stash.  Be sure to maintain this stash in times of peace and harmony, but don’t fool yourself into thinking it is safe to buy unknown brands.  Low-quality chocolate is a dangerous drug, and could just add to the hormone-induced rage.  High quality and gooeyness are good factors to look for in creating your stash.

8.  Go to the gym.  You know you should anyway.

9.  If you can’t make yourself go to the gym, consider sleeping the whole thing off. There is no shame in hibernation, but I would advise telling others that you have a headache (bringing up homicidal urges and demon possession will make people keep talking to you, which never ends well).

10.  There is likewise no shame in crying, though it is best pursued as a solitary release.  If you must cry, be sure to stick your face in cold water afterwards.  Otherwise, you WILL look ridiculous and lumpy-faced tomorrow.  It’s no good persuading yourself that you will look wan and heroic, because you won’t.  You’ll have to explain to your coworkers that you watched a sad movie and cried, and admitting that it was Hot Rod will not advance your career one little bit.

11.  Wow, it would be really great if you had a loving, furry pet right now, wouldn’t it? Try visualizing it. Or go to CuteOverload.  Do it.

12.  Come on now, how would your grandma feel if she saw you acting like this? Snap out of it!

13.  Exorcism is probably not the answer, but who am I to judge?

I’m attaching two useful resources that I’ve created:

PMS Survival Flowchart

PMS Redemption Guide

The world is not ending, I am just bored. Repeat.

It is Monday, and it has been raining spitefully all day.  No titillating thunderstorms or cathartic downpour  sessions ending with rainbows –  just evil, shoe-filling globs of water.

I’ve tried a lot of tricks throughout the years to pull myself sanely through these kinds of days.  Most of these tricks involve sugar and escapism.  Just for fun, I thought I’d record their evolution thus far…

The first I can remember is books.  Somewhere around 2nd grade, I began to like them (The Boxcar Children were my first real addictions).  I developed a system wherein, if I got bored in class, I would pretend to drop a pencil.  Then I’d lean down to pick it up, and crawl into the large closet at the side of the room.  I would then read books in the light of the crack under the door.  I truly believed no one noticed, until roughly the 100th time I’d ventured forth, when a fellow classmate hissed “she’s doing it again!” — and I picked up the ‘dropped pencil’ and resumed my seat.  It was the end of an era.

I kept reading books, lots of them.  I signed up for a GoodReads account the other day, and just ranking the obvious ones took a few hours — but it was a blissful few hours.

Then, for freshman orientation, my college dean taught us the following mantra: “No matter what you say or do to me, I am still a worthwhile person.” It doesn’t work.  Sorry.

A mantra that works better, which I wrote on my arm in sky blue ink during a drunken rage at an innocent then-boyfriend, is: “Remember puppies!!!!!”

Serotonin supplements help, but I think they make me lazy, so I cut back.

Caffeine is AWESOME.

Today I am assaulted by feelings of insignificance and the sense that the world is spiraling inward to death by boredom and self-disgust.  Every once in a while I snap out of it and realize I’m just bored and irritable. Hence the title mantra.  I’m alternating the boredom mantra with the fact that my grandparents went to a “Senior Prom” at their retirement home two nights ago and danced romantically.  So there might be hope for the future, after all.

Senior Prom

Seriously??

My coworker just sneezed.  She noted this on Facebook.  Someone said “bless you” (still on Facebook).  Someone sent her a virtual kleenex.  Goodwill abounded.

Someone online noticed all this happy feeling surrounding tissues, and invited my coworker to join their special facebook group.

It is for people who have tissue fetishes.   Read it and weep . . . but I don’t know what you’ll dab your eyes with after.

Childhood books that made me crazy

All right, parents: these books may be beautifully decorated and fabulously imaginative and inspire creativity in your children — but BEWARE THE CONSEQUENCES.

Gwinna – This book has incredibly beautiful illustrations, but has an unfortunate side effect of instilling in its readers an unshakable belief that they will, one day, sprout wings.  I myself have spent a rather large portion of time “flapping” my shoulder blades, but have never achieved lift-off.

Matilda – If you haven’t read this, you have clearly been living under a rock.  And if you haven’t been living under a rock, you KNOW that this book will make you/your kid wander around wistfully asking mom if they qualify as a genius, and staring intently at glasses of water for hours.  The glass of water will never tip over, and your kid will forever have a slight, nagging inferiority complex.

Love You Forever — This one is just terribly, terribly sad and you must be warned that your children will cry whenever they see the cover forever afterwards.  Including if they happen to look at it on Amazon during work.

Lord of the Flies — Ick, do you even have to ask?  All I can think about is smashed heads and milky brains.

Where the Red Fern Grows — More dying children — and this time, as an added bonus, dying dogs!  This book, predictably, gave me a lasting fear of all sharp objects — not just a fear of running with them, but a fear of standing in the same room as them.  Or even thinking about them in too detailed a manner.

Little Women — Ever since Beth, dying, said “I was never like the rest of you . . . I never had plans for my life” (or something like that), my career indecision has weighed on me like a  death sentence.

Doggies – Yesss! I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find this one.  It starts out like this: “One Dog — Woof!”.  The page reads, “Two Dogs — Arf Arf!” (or is it yip yip?  I had it memorized, once upon a time).  IT IS AWESOME.  But your kid might bark a lot at inappropriate times.  For the rest of her life.  At the neighbors’ dogs, for instance.  Or in the grocery store.

Charlotte’s Web — Okay, this is an obvious one, but it really got to me.  Now I feel guilty about hating spiders AND eating bacon.  Thanks.  I needed MORE of that in my life.

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler — I LOVE this book.  But it will engender in your children a disturbing tendency to disappear in museums and steal coins from fountains.

How to Talk  So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk — Parents, if you leave your parenting books lying around, I PROMISE you that you will regret it.  I memorized this book when I was about 7 years old, and whenever my parents and I were in an argument, I would lecture them on how they were handling it wrong.  Sometimes I would direct them to the appropriate page in the book.  There is probably no better way to drive a parent crazy, and I’ve gotta tell you — it felt goooooood.

Warning Signs

As I hopped out of the shower this morning, I was shocked — shocked! — to note the existence of my own bellybutton.